Just a few minutes ago I waved goodbye to Aaron, went in the
house, closed the door, and breathed a huge sigh of relief. He did it!!
What did he do? He agreed to the
reality of me not being able to drive him to meet his day group because our van
is in the shop. He agreed to let the
Paradigm van pick him up at our house. He
agreed to go in early. EARLY! It wasn’t without some angst from Aaron…….some
anger…….some rude words……some refusals.
But he did get in the van when Katie pulled up in our driveway and he
did go. Success! At least for now……for today.
Yesterday my van’s air conditioner wasn’t blowing cool air
as I drove home in the afternoon from a nice visit with my friend,
Jennifer. Since it was time for an oil
change and tire rotation anyway, I just called the shop and asked if I could
drop the van off around 10:45. That
would be right after dropping Aaron off to meet his group. I usually just wait for oil changes and such
there at the shop, but Keith told me that I needed to bring the van in early so
that they could work it in during the day.
Of course, my very first thought as soon as Keith told me
this was Aaron. Could he be picked up at
home for his day group? If so, would it
be early? If so, how early? If so, would Aaron agree to this change in
his routine…….because he has NOT been accepting of that change in the
past. See how I automatically connect
the dots? This is how it is when you
have autism and routines and the great disruption that occurs when routines are
disturbed.
Sure enough, Paradigm could come to pick Aaron up at home
but sure enough, it would be early. And
sure enough, when Aaron came home a while later and I gently broke the news to
him about the next morning……he was none too happy. I built up the fact that he was excited about
going to see Planet of the Apes, right?
And excited about getting his usual large extra-buttered popcorn with
the free refill, right? And excited
about getting his end-of-the-week surprise for having a week of participation at
Paradigm, right? And it really isn’t a
big deal about being picked up at home and going in early, right? Wrong.
Right to all the above except that last one.
“But Mom, I want you to take me!” he complained. So we spent here and there moments during the
rest of the evening convincing Aaron that all the right reasons to this change
in plans totally outweighed the one wrong reason. The one really BIG wrong reason, in Aaron’s
mind. He was agreeable to this plan by
bedtime, and I urged him with fake excitement that we would be as agreeable in
the morning when push came to shove…….right?
Wrong. I knew when
Aaron walked into the kitchen this morning that he was back to square one,
which was that he wanted me to take him in to meet his group at his normal
time. He hadn’t said a word yet but the
look on his face told me that Aaron had not only disconnected all the dots, but
that he had also moved the dots all over the place and he was most
unhappy. The van was gone……the driveway
was empty, as were his hopes that somehow I could still take him in to QT to
meet his group at 10:30.
“NO!” he firmly exclaimed.
“I’m NOT going in early!”
So I tried putting our dots in order again like they were
last night by explaining all the things I previously mentioned the night before
that would be super great reasons to go today……albeit early and not in our
van. Aaron wasn’t buying it. He was agitated…..and alert.
“You’re just trying to bargain me!” he said with force.
Why is he so perceptive sometimes?
Finally he went to his room, declaring that he was not going
to take a shower. And he dressed and got
on his computer, and I left it alone.
Sorry, Paradigm, for the lack of a shower today. Sometimes bargains work out that way in these
situations. Welcome to my world of being
an autism parent.
A couple cups of coffee later, some computer time, and some
unwinding worked wonders by the time I went in Aaron’s room to get him moving
in the right direction. I suggested to
him, with trepidation, that we go outside and sit on the front porch while we
waited for his ride to come. And I added
that I would tickle his back. This made
Aaron happy, and made me feel some hope that this being picked up early at our
house just might work today.
I reached over to get Aaron’s glasses so that I could clean
them when I saw an extra bowl that I hadn’t seen before. There was Aaron’s bowl full of Jolly
Ranchers, and his other bowl with only his favorite grape Jolly Ranchers, but
this third bowl was new to me. I looked
inside and there I saw several toothpicks laying in the bottom of this
bowl. A whole bowl with only a few
toothpicks inside. This is so Aaron, I
thought. He had told me the other day
that he was saving these toothpicks, so of course he put them in a bowl.
As I walked through the family room a few minutes later,
there I saw two more bowls on a shelf of the end table that he uses. They were empty at the moment, but for some
reason they were important to Aaron.
That made five bowls that Aaron had out at this time for all the various
reasons that sometimes only he knows.
Unless there are more under his bed.
That’s entirely possible.
He turned off his computer and I heard him come coming down
the stairs as I walked out on the front porch.
He came out the door, carrying his bowl of Jolly Ranchers, and then sat
by me on the glider……with his bowl of candy on the table right beside him. There he sat, dejected in defeat. He wanted to go to the movie……he wanted his
popcorn with butter and a free refill…….he wanted his end-of-the-week
surprise. But not this way. Not with having to go in early and not having
Mom take him in the van to meet his group like we nearly always do.
Aaron reached over and took a Jolly Rancher from the
bowl. It was a grape one. He handed it to me to place on the table on
my side of the glider. Then he got
another Jolly Rancher and it was not grape, so he put it in his mouth and
enjoyed it while I tickled his back. He
was mostly quiet as I stroked his back and he relaxed. Then we talked about the wasp we saw and the
seed pods from the tree as I opened two of them for him to see and about Loony
Tunes and about the neighbor mowing his yard.
He got another Jolly Rancher……another grape……so I put it
beside the first grape one on my table.
He sucked on another flavor then as we talked some more……and I tickled
his back……..and the van pulled up. “NO!”
he said. So I stood up with my happy face
on that I didn’t feel, and Aaron stood up and took the two grape Jolly Ranchers
and went in the house.
He put the grape Jolly Ranchers in the grape bowl. Then he came back outside and took the other
bowl back into the house. He returned
with a baggie of Jolly Ranchers and a frown, saying again that he was NOT
going. But he did get in the van as I
stood there talking to Katie, and I can only hope that he’s cooperating with
his group on this movie day.
Who would have thought that such a small thing would create
such a large problem? Well, I thought it
because I know autism and I know Aaron.
I look around our house and I see all his various bowls. I see how he divides his special items, be it
food or toothpicks, into these bowls. This
is how it is. My house has bowls
everywhere, it seems! The marks of Aaron’s
mind and how it operates, put into bowls in the family room and bowls in the
kitchen and bowls in his bedroom.
So this ride business and the complexity of solving it, of
connecting the dots for Aaron, is so much like those bowls. Aaron has a mental bowl that contains the
fact that we leave the house shortly after 10:00 and we go to Quik Trip to meet
his ride. On the way we listen to music,
and we might stop at Dillon’s for something, and we see the field with the
cows, and the field with the bulls, and the bent house, and the striped parking
cement fixtures in a certain parking lot, and the old car parked in someone’s
driveway. It’s Aaron’s morning routine
bowl.
His morning bowl does NOT include being picked up at our
house. It does NOT include being picked
up early. It does NOT include sitting on
the porch waiting for his ride, nice as that was. So my job is to try to make this unwanted
bowl somehow agreeable to Aaron. I never
know if my efforts will succeed until he is in the van and driving away.
And then I am both relieved and still a little worried,
hoping he doesn’t take his frustration out on his staff or friends. I also hope that he will see that this bowl
is all right and that he can use it again on other days that he will need to be
picked up at home, early or not.
He found one more grape Jolly Rancher before he got in the
van, so he handed it to me. After he was
gone, I went into his room and dropped it into his grape Jolly Rancher
bowl. Keeping order is so important to
Aaron. This morning I’m sure he felt
like there were many unwanted flavors in his morning routine bowl. I can only hope that he’ll see that those
flavors are good and that he can tolerate them after all. I hope he’ll see that I’m not a bad guy for
mixing things up for him.
One thing I do know, though, is that this story is not
over. There are always more bowls for
Aaron to fill, his way. Because to Aaron
there is no other way.
You can put that in a bowl!
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