Today Aaron
stayed home from his day group. No, he
wasn't sick and he didn't have any seizures overnight. It's actually more complex than that. It concerns an issue that is requiring us,
and others involved, to have wisdom and understanding......and not only for
Aaron. This matter involves Rosie as
well.........Rosie, Aaron's very special friend.
I first
wrote about Rosie two years ago. Here's
the link to that blog post: http://hesaidwhatks.blogspot.com/2011/10/aaron-and-rosie.html. Aaron and Rosie have continued to
maintain a very special relationship................going to each other's
birthday dinners with parents, staying near each other at Paradigm, and usually
going on the same outings with each other during their day at Paradigm. It's been sweet to see their friendship
grow......and it's been interesting to work with Aaron as he's tried to
understand their relationship, and whether they MUST be boyfriend/girlfriend or
can they just be good friends.
What has
been occurring recently involves two issues.
The first issue is Aaron's desire to give or to buy Rosie things. We have allowed him to bring her a bottle of
juice or some baby carrots or some other food item from the house. Sometimes we let him print her a picture on
the computer of one of her favorite characters from the movie Cars or some other
movie that she likes. He likes to share
his movie popcorn with Rosie, or to buy her a snack when they are out.
The second
issue is wrapped around the matter of crayons.
Yes, crayons. Rosie loves
crayons. I mean, Rosie ADORES crayons. She lives and breathes for crayons. I had no idea how strong her love of crayons
was when she and Aaron first became friends.
I just knew that Aaron was sneaking our old crayons out of the house in
the mornings and taking them to Rosie at Paradigm. If I knew then what I know now, I would have
put a stop to that. Anyway, Louise and
Leroy, Rosie's parents, have through the years developed a system to help
control Rosie's crayon obsession. She is
allowed to only have a certain number of crayons at definite times. The more crayons that Rosie has, the more
frustrated and obsessed she becomes with getting more crayons. It's a vicious cycle, and Leroy and Louise
have worked out the best system to help keep the crayon dilemma under control.
Lately,
though, crayons have somehow become a huge issue once again. I know that Aaron bought Rosie some crayons when they were out
together with their group, and that it happened more than once. We repeated to Aaron over and over that this
was not allowed. Rosie began wanting more and more crayons, of course, and so
things began to snowball. Rosie wanting
crayons......Aaron saying no..........Rosie becoming frustrated. One day when Aaron was afraid that Rosie
would get in trouble at Paradigm, he told me, "Mom, I wanted to take
Rosie's blame!" I just stood there,
wondering how to answer that amazing statement from Aaron..........admiring his
care for Rosie, but knowing that Rosie also needed to learn that she couldn't
have all these crayons.
Not long
after that, Aaron came home one day and again was frustrated. "Mom, I'm tired of bringing my wallet
now. I expected to have a fun day!" Once again I told Aaron that he had helped
create all this by repeatedly buying Rosie things, especially the recent
crayons, but instead of responding with understanding, he replied, "Can
you understand my day was spoiled?!"
And can you understand why, Aaron?
Can you? Maybe a little?
Things came
to a head yesterday in the mall, with Aaron buying the biggest ice cream that
he could in order to spend all his money, and Rosie wanting her crayons. I don't know all the details, but there was a
meltdown from poor Rosie in the mall.
And here at home later that evening, a frustrated and sad Aaron had his
own form of meltdown that prompted me to go buy him some jelly beans that he
wanted.........hoping that he would calm down and engage in some conversation
as he saw his anticipated jelly beans waiting on the table.
Jelly
beans...........crayons........but instead of two young children squabbling
over these items, we have two young adults to whom jelly beans and crayons mean
the world. Jelly beans and crayons hold
the key to happiness for Aaron and Rosie at this point in time. I tried to get Aaron to sit still in the
family room and talk to me, but he kept getting up and pacing around the room
as he talked about this problem. Then he
finally sat down on the ottoman near where I was sitting on the couch, and the
tears came. He tried to wipe them away,
but they still welled up in his tired eyes.
And as he talked, I realized that Aaron was somewhat frustrated with
Rosie but he was also sad that they are at this point with each other. He is upset that he is feeling this way
toward his special Rosie, and he doesn't know what to do now that things are
not all rosy with Rosie.
It's so very
hard to reason with Aaron the same way that I would with Andrea or Andrew. I told Aaron that his feelings are not at all
unusual, and that all friends or couples go through these times. I told him that his dad and I have times of
irritation with each other, but that we work it out and then everything is
fine. He would listen, but then go back
to repeating the same words over again that he had just said........and I knew
I wasn't making much headway into that head of his, at least as far as I could
tell. And I know from talking to Louise
that it's the same way with Rosie. They
just don't get it..........although we keep trying and we keep hoping. But their disconnect mentally is very evident
in this delicate matter of working through the junk that sometimes mires a
relationship.
I wasn't
surprised this morning when Aaron came downstairs and plopped on the floor
beside Jackson, and said that he didn't want to go to Paradigm today. I was on the computer and I turned to look at
my boy who is a man, but who is really still a boy...........a boy/man who is
working to understand himself and to understand Rosie. I know that I can't dismiss his repeated
conversations about what has happened, even as I can't dismiss the obvious pain
of this lesson. I once again assured him
that he and Rosie are still very special friends........that Rosie's mom is going
to work with Rosie on all this........that the staff at Paradigm will work with
both Aaron and Rosie to help them along...........and that his dad and I are
always here for him.
I talked to
Louise today and was so thankful for her kindness and her understanding. Of course she is.........she has walked this
path for many years, too..........this path of mothering her special daughter
who is now a young woman but still a child.
Together we hope to walk beside our Aaron and Rosie, helping them solve
this crayon problem that is every bit as serious as if we were helping our
children solve a deep relationship problem that might threaten to dissolve a
marriage. We both value the unique friendship
that Rosie and Aaron share, and we wouldn't want to see their happiness
disrupted over anything.........including crayons. All the while, Louise and Leroy have the
crayon dilemma to address concerning Rosie..........and Gary and I have the "I
want to buy Rosie something every day" dilemma with Aaron.
I told
Louise today that I feel a bit like a meddling mother-in-law.........and we
laughed at that thought. At least Rosie
and Aaron won't see us as meddling, so I can breathe easy.
I hope!
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