I've heard
it said that our parents are the most important teachers that we will ever
have. I would agree with that statement,
for as we grow we are constantly watching our parents........listening and
absorbing and learning through their words and deeds. Hopefully the lessons learned are good ones. My parents were very beneficial in my life in
more ways than I can count. Yet some of
the lessons that I treasure the most are the lessons I learned as I watched my
dad live the last month of his life on earth.
What were some of those lessons?
1. Know
When to Ask For Help
Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2000, and with liver
cancer in 2004. In September of 2008,
dad was put into Hospice care. We knew
that no more could be done for him medically, so as he declined I told him and Mom
to let me know when they wanted me to come and help them. I got that call on November 2, and in a few
days I was on a plane headed home. I was
fearful of what I would find and how I would handle all the emotion of what was
ahead, but I was very thankful that I had the opportunity to go and help my
dear parents.
2. Don't
Stop Thinking of Others
Dad had
always been very kind and sweet to others, and loved reaching out to help
people. This continued even as he
deteriorated. I quickly learned that the
real reason he had wanted me to come was that he was worried about Mom. He knew that she was physically more frail
than she had ever been...........emotionally drained.........and that she was
showing signs of progressing dementia.
He was more concerned about me helping her than of me assisting
him. In fact, when I first arrived he
resisted my help in several ways. I
understood this about him......his independence and his desire to maintain his
privacy. She was his first concern, even though he knew
he was losing his fight to live.
Later,
when he finally allowed Jan and I to assist with his toileting needs, I found him crying one day as he sat in his
wheelchair. I knelt down and asked him
what was wrong. Through his tears, he
told me that he was sorry to have to make us help him in that way. I was so amazed at him.......at his
selflessness and his kindness. I assumed
he was crying from embarrassment, but his tears were not for him.......they
were for us. He told me that he was
sorry that he had to make us do this........sorry for any embarrassment that we
might be feeling, but not feeling sorry for himself. I have never seen such love and concern as I
saw in him at that precious moment.
3. Keep
Your Routine
For as long
as he could, Dad continued to get up early in the morning and to stay up as
long as he could. He needed help but he
did not want to lay in bed all day. He
wanted to eat at the kitchen table, sitting there in his wheelchair and eating
oh so slowly, often with his head bowed and his eyes closing. Mom and I would speak to him, and he would
perk up, slowly raising his head. He
would manage another few bites and some soft, slow conversation before slowly
nodding off again. Yet he was determined
to keep going and to keep his schedule for as long as he could.
He also
wanted to read the mail and the newspaper every day even though his eyesight was failing. It was hard to see him struggling to read but
he was not to be deterred. He finally
had Mom make an appointment with his eye doctor, even as we knew that this
doctor visit would be impossible. We didn't
tell him that, though.......we wouldn't take away that hope that he had.
We would
watch Little House on the Prairie videos at night. Dad wanted to still be in charge of the
remote - just like a man! He would
slowly push the volume button but he had a hard time controlling his movements,
so the volume would shoot up sky high.
As he tried to correct it, the volume would go to mute. He was frustrated but finally relinquished
the remote to me and Mom.
4. Pay
Attention to Details
When I first
got to their home, Dad was managing to walk with his walker. He was very, very slow.......walking with me
by his side, ready to steady him when he faltered or wobbled. Dad was always very meticulous about things
and this trait continued. He wanted his
sweater on and liked it when the sweater matched his pajamas. As he would slowly walk from room to room, he
would sometimes stop and just stare down at the floor or the carpet. Then he would ask what that spot was on the
carpet, and as I looked down, sure enough I would see a bit of a leaf or a
string. I would laugh as I bent over and
picked it up, and Dad would smile as I teased him about being so picky. Yet those small details were still very important
to him.
5. Mind
Your Manners
Dad was
always polite and proper, never crude or inappropriate. I guess that's one reason why the five of us
children enjoyed teasing him. He was great
fun but he did have boundaries. One
morning as we ate breakfast, Mom..........well...........she had some gas. She laughed and said, "I farted!" Dad very slowly raised his head, looked at
her, and softly said, "Passed........gas." Mom and I cracked up, and Dad gently smiled
- satisfied at his correction and realizing the humor of it.
He was
always careful to say thank you when any of us helped him in any way. Close to the end, after I had gone back to
Kansas, Jan was rubbing his back
and very quietly he said to her, "Do.....not.....do.....that. Please." He didn't let his situation rob him of his
manners.
6. Keep a
Sense of Humor
Dad loved to
laugh and smile. He was a delight as he
loved to tease in a kind way, and also was often the willing recipient of much
good-natured ribbing from all of us.
Shortly after my arrival, we had to get him a hospital bed.
He was not happy about this and was especially unhappy about having the
bed rail put up at night. We had to
insist, though, and he finally resigned himself to this fact. One night as I raised the rail, he told me,
"Don't put that rail up. I'll
remember you in the hereafter!" And
then when I walked in his room to help him out of bed in the mornings, he would
greet me by calling me his prison guard or the great emancipator or other funny
names having to do with my control over his freedom.
One day he
jokingly said, "I'm sorry for every mean thing I've ever said about
you. I have to stay on your good
side!" And when we bought him silly
pajama pants he went along with the fun.
One day when Jan and I teasingly asked him which of us was his favorite,
he immediately looked straight at his hospice nurse, Amy. Every day there was humor from this wonderful
man, even as he was suffering.
7. Show
Love
Mom and Dad
were very close, especially after they both retired. They were hardly ever apart. When Dad had to start using the hospital bed,
it was the first time in nearly 60 years of marriage that they had slept in separate
beds. We pushed his bed very close to
their bed, and at night Mom would lay there with her hand between the rails of
Dad's bed. They held hands or she would
rest her hand on his arm.......still together and still close despite this
circumstance.
There were
times that I would be holding Dad up as he stood, and there would be a
pause. I would turn to look and find
that he had put his frail, skinny
arm around Mom's shoulders and was pulling her close to him. I felt like an intruder to this moment of
intimacy, and the tears would spill down my cheeks as they embraced.
In the midst
of these days, there were times of stress.
One day Mom and Dad were facing one of those frustrating moments. I waited in the living room until it was time
for me to help him to the couch. I sat
there and laid my head on his shoulder, telling him I was sorry for how hard it
was at that moment. He smiled his sweet
smile, very slowly raised his head, and said, "Smooth.........it.........over." I'll never forget those wise words.
8. Always
Pray
Dad
continued to pray for as long as he could.
His walk with the Lord all of his life was of primary importance to him,
and that never diminished even as he was weak and full of pain. One of my dearest memories of my time there
was of his quiet, halting prayers before meals.
He continued to lead us in prayer for as long as he was able. He rarely asked anything for himself, but
thanked the Lord and then made requests for others. When my niece, Ruth, had a tumor removed from
her spine, Dad was heart broken for her.
He would always pray for Ruth, sometimes with tears. Always thinking of others...........that was
my Dad.
9. Be
Ready to Go
Dad was
afraid to die. This fact puzzled me at
times, although I do understand. It's
just that Dad had such a close walk with the Lord and I was surprised at his
fear. However, as we talked I realized
that he was afraid of leaving Mom.......both for her sake and for
his.........both of them without the other for the first time ever. He was looking forward to seeing Jesus, but
wondering what he would say to his Savior.
Dad liked having everything thought out and orderly, and this dying
process was anything but orderly and known.
Finally one
night, John spent some time talking alone with Dad.......assuring him of things about heaven and answering his
questions. This comforted Dad greatly, and later that night Dad
shared these things with Mom and me.
Our hospice nurse had told us that often a person needs to be released
to die, so that night through our tears we told Dad that it was all right for
him to go on to heaven..........that we would be fine and most important, Mom
would be well taken care of.
A few days
after that conversation, on Dec. 4, I tucked Dad into his bed at night. I adjusted his oxygen and did all the other things I had done so many times
over that past month as I got him settled.
But this time was different. I
was leaving early the next morning to fly back to Kansas and to my family. Dad knew it was time for me to go, but I
think he was afraid. Jan and John would
be there, but I had been with him full-time for a month and he had come to
depend on that.
As I leaned
down to tell him good night, the tears fell.
I kissed him, and then he asked me if I would come back after
Christmas. I assured him that I would,
even as I knew that it was unlikely he would be there at Christmas. One of the hardest things I've ever done was
to kiss him that last time and walk out of his room. I went home to Kansas the next day, and Dad
went home to heaven five days later. Oh,
we miss him!
But I am
ever so thankful for that month with him and with Mom, and for so many special
memories shared and lessons learned. What a hope we all have, too, as we know that
we'll all be together in heaven one day.
I didn't get to see Dad again as I assured him I would, but I do have
the assurance that I WILL see him again...........for eternity.
And I want
to thank him for all that he taught me in life, but especially for what he
taught me in death.
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