A couple weeks ago, Gary and I returned home
from church and sat down to eat lunch.
We knew there might be some storms that day, but the view outside our
kitchen window was of a somewhat cloudy sky with more sun than clouds. Soon, though, we heard rumbles and noticed
the wind picking up in intensity. As we
sat there, we literally watched a storm forming to our west. The clouds darkened and built in volume, and
the thunder increased along with the lightning.
It was fascinating and awesome to see the changes happen so
quickly. The power was unstoppable. Soon there was some rain and then hail that
pelted our roof and yard. The storm didn’t
last long, but the effects were felt all day as the temperatures decreased by
over 40 degrees in a very short time.
The whole process seemed so sudden to us, but
the ingredients for this stormy day had been building up in the atmosphere for
much longer than what we saw on the ground.
The storm formed quickly because the necessary storm components were
there all along…….far away out west of us, and far up in the sky above us. We bore the brunt of the strong winds, the
vivid lightning, the loud thunder, and the driving rain and hail. The actual storm didn’t last long but the
coldness lingered all that day and into the next.
How we handled the storm and the ensuing hours
afterwards made a huge difference in our peace and comfort. I ran around closing windows while Gary took
care of some matters outside. Later, as
the cold set in, we changed clothes and dressed warmly. Aaron and I put on jackets that evening when
I drove him to Sonic for a burger.
Simple matters, yes, but necessary for us during that change.
I’m pondering all this as I’ve had a morning
with Aaron. Those of you who know us
through this blog, or through family and friendship, know what I mean by that
statement. Aaron was fine earlier today,
but when it was time to go to Paradigm he reacted heatedly with anger and
words. He pounded on a door once, but
nothing major, as I talked to him softly and tried to steer him through his
anger. I let him decide what he would do
today…….stay home or go to Paradigm. He
knew that staying home had its own consequences, though I didn’t mention
them. He also knew that going to his
group had consequences for him as well.
He would have to get out and be around people on a bad day; have to obey
rules; have to get away from his computer and maybe go somewhere that doesn’t
thrill him.
He eventually chose to go to Paradigm, but he
was very much on the edge of a full melt-down.
God gave me grace, seriously, to remain calm and soft with Aaron. It wasn’t easy. His words were not nice. They weren’t aimed at me personally, but they
were not good words. He was coming along
as we drove to Quik-Trip and listened to some of his favorite music. I knew that his ride would be late since we
had cancelled earlier, and then changed our minds, so as I pulled into the
parking lot I asked him if he wanted a sausage biscuit. He was surprised at that offer……taken off
guard with kindness when he knew that he had every right to expect punishment. We left the store a few minutes later with
his treasured sausage biscuit AND some Skittles. And a softening Aaron.
As we waited for his ride and listened to more
music, I saw that Aaron was having trouble with an itch on his back. I had him lean forward and I scratched his
back. Then I tickled his back, which he
dearly loves, and he calmed noticeably.
He talked and smiled.
“It’s just that I didn’t want to go to Paradigm
today,” he said. I assured him that I
knew that as I smiled, and he just relaxed under my hand on his back. Soon his ride came and he willingly got in
their van with his kind staff. Just a
few minutes ago, Barb sent me this picture of Aaron on her couch at
Paradigm. He’s happy with his food and
he’s happy with those there that care for him, and hopefully he will have a
good day after all.
The storm blew in so quickly this morning. I literally watched it form in Aaron’s room
when I told him it was time to get off his computer. I know that the storm ingredients were
building in his mind for some time, unseen by me but there nonetheless. I bore the brunt of the storm as I heard Aaron’s
words and tensed as he hit the door.
But how I reacted………how I handled this storm……….made
a huge difference in our peace and comfort.
I do not say this to my own credit.
It is seriously the hand of God’s grace reaching down and calming me in
the midst of confusion and anger. I knew
what would happen if I yelled at Aaron or if I gave him impossible ultimatums
at that point. It was best to help him
work through this process while gently pointing out the repercussions of his
decisions.
And one more thing. It was a time for me to practice
unconditional love for my sometimes impossible son. Unconditional……..meaning ‘not limited.’ Oh, how hard that love sometimes is! All of us as parents can attest to this
truth. My love for Aaron is not limited
to his good days……..when he makes me laugh and he obeys willingly and is polite
and doesn’t even whack me on the back…..much.
Nope.
This unconditional love is for the stormy times like I faced today. It’s a love that sees Aaron for who he is at
these volatile times, and it’s a love that bundles up in the cold that
sometimes follows these storms. It’s a
love that gives him a good old “A#1 back scratching,” as my dear dad called
them. I may have felt like giving his
back a resounding slap, but the back scratch and the back tickle worked much
better……..because it showed love and warmth to my frustrated boy.
I was at an event recently where I saw the
long-term effects of a love that has been conditional. A love based on limits and on who I am, and
what I have or have not done. This sort
of limited love produces coldness and pain, not warmth and healing. It gives no room for forgiveness and
growth. No hope of reconciliation. How utterly sad………how wasted and unnecessary.
I don’t want that to be true of me in my
relationships with anyone, and definitely not with my children. All of us parents know a thing or two about
unlimited love………..loving our children through the good and the bad……..the
pride and the disappointments.
And those of us with special needs children,
especially special needs that cause behavior issues, can attest to how
difficult unconditional love can be. Yet
how rewarding to see the results of this love and to know that in the long run,
we will reap more through love than through anger and harshness. Sometimes we need to enforce discipline, but
always with love and with forgiveness in store.
When I fail at this, which I have done more
times than I can count, I have the love of my Heavenly Father. His love is always, always unconditional
toward me……….and I’m so very glad that it is, because I blow it so often. It’s through Him that I have learned what
true, unlimited love is. And through Him
alone that I can practice this love…….most of the time………with Aaron.
I hope that the storm is totally gone when
Aaron comes home. I hope the
temperatures are warm and the mood is bright.
But if not……
I’ll get out the back scratcher and grab Aaron’s
floor pillow and get to work on his back.
No hugs for Aaron but a good back tickle should work.
And I’ll tell him that I love him, though he
rarely says those words back to me.
Unconditionally.
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