Matters of the Heart

Aaron is now 27 years old.  I know that he is a man, a grown man, and that fact is very hard to imagine.  28 years ago Gary and I were anxiously awaiting the birth of our first child.  I had made all the yellow gingham nursery curtains, bumper pads, changing table covers, and decorated with yellow, fluffy duck decorations.  Everything was as I wanted it.  And even though I went into labor 3 weeks early and Gary had just changed out of his flight suit when he rushed me to the hospital, we were really ready - for the most part - or so we thought.  What new parents can ever be really ready for the responsibility that awaits them?  And what new parents can ever comprehend the depth of love that washes over you when you first hold that little part of both of you?  Aaron was so little and perfect and beautiful.  And my radar screen was still showing sunny weather with not a storm in sight. 

When Aaron had his first seizure and was diagnosed with Epilepsy, and than years later was diagnosed with Autism, we were completely unprepared.  We never, ever expected such a thing to happen to us.  To someone else, yes.  Someone we would read about in a magazine, or hear about from a friend, or receive a prayer request for at church.  The reality of this event in our lives with our Aaron was just so unexpected and unwelcome.  And as I said earlier, when I got home from the hospital after his Epilepsy diagnosis, I cried my heart out with tears for Aaron, for us, and with pleas to God for His grace and strength.

I had a choice to make and I chose to focus on what I KNOW.  And what I know is that God is sovereign.  God is in control and none of these events surprised Him or confused Him.  God loves me and God loves Gary, and God certainly loves Aaron.  I cannot and will not ever try to explain the ways of God.  There is no unfairness with God, I do know that.  So instead of wasting time and energy trying to explain the why of our situation, my choice was to trust the Who in our lives.  And that would be God.  I know from my walk with Him for all these years and from reading His Word, Who He is.  I know that His sovereign plan is best even when He doesn't choose to reveal it all to me.  I trust Him and I love Him and I have found Him always faithful.  Those things I know.

While in Leavenworth, God gave me Psalm 18:29:  "For by You I can run upon a troop; And by my God I can leap over a wall."  I just love this verse!  It's my theme verse in so many ways.  Oh, the walls that I've run into in our life with Aaron!  I've shared many of them in the past few posts.  So many times I've run into walls, beat my head against walls, beat my fists on the walls, tried to climb walls with my own strength - but by my God, I can LEAP over the walls.  What a promise, fulfilled in so many different ways in so many different situations.  So I also know that with God, I'm a wall leaper!

But there are also some things I feel, and feel deeply.  These feelings come from within my mother heart.  I think of my heart as having various doors that open when needed.  Doors of love, of wisdom, of encouragement, of laughter, and on and on.  But there is a door that I rarely open because it is too painful.  That is the door of my regrets and wishes for Aaron.  I do not live in regret or in unfulfilled wishes for Aaron, but occasionally those thoughts slip in or that reality hits me in my heart.  Once after Aaron started going to the job skills school, he came home one day and said, "Mom, I've noticed something.  All the kids at that school have problems.  What are my problems?"  I struggled not to cry as I tried to talk to him about Epilepsy and Autism.  He was satisfied and seemingly unconcerned, but I knew he was pondering these issues very personally now.  And it broke my heart.  I remember when Andrew got his license and later came home with his used truck.  We had purposely not made this a big deal because Aaron was often jealous of Andrew's life.  But Aaron looked outside and saw the truck, so he asked if that was Andrew's.  I said yes and Aaron said, "I wish I could drive."  Little glimpses like that into his heart made that door of my heart start coming open.  There are times for tears, but not time to wonder about what could have been or might have been.  Living in defeat is not God's plan for me or for Aaron. 

And there are so many reasons to be thankful.  Gary led Aaron to the Lord when he was 6 years old.  Aaron has that understanding.  He can walk, and run, and see, and talk (can he ever!).  Things could be so much worse.  He can read and understand, and even though he can be sooooooo irritating sometimes, he also makes us laugh - a lot! 

In closing I want to post a piece that has always spoken deeply to me and I hope it will to you, as well.

"WELCOME TO HOLLAND"

By Emily Perl Kingsley, 1987. All rights reserved.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to

help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it

would feel. It's like this...........

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.

You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans.  The Coliseum.

The Michelangelo David.  The gondolas in Venice.  You may learn some handy phrases in

Italian.  It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.

Several hours later, the plane lands.  The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!" you say.  "What do you mean, Holland??  I signed up for Italy!  I'm supposed to be in

Italy.  All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy!"

But there's been a change in the flight plan.  They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of

pestilence, famine and disease.  It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books.  And you must learn a whole new language.  And you

will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.  It's just a different place.  It's

slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.  But after you've been there for awhile and you catch

your breath, you look around............and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills and Holland

has tulips.  Holland even has Rembrandts. 

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...........and they're all bragging about

what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where

I was supposed to go.  That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away.........because the loss of that dream is a very,

very significant loss.

But.........if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to

enjoy the very special, the very lovely things.............about Holland.

.